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Twice Wail!

Look at you, you silly fool
waiting for HIM to fucking call you!
Did you not learn anything from Ed?
ONLY TALKING TO YOU WHEN HE WANTED some fucking head!
No conversation; really you fool,
I guess you liked the old school.

When things were rough you thought it was alright;
however, you were the one that got it “ALRIGHT.”
When will you learn that things aren’t what they seem?

Be the bitch that you are–don’t refrain!

Fuck what you thought, it’s obviously not all that,
at least this time it wasn’t worth a fucking slap!
No punch in the gut, face, and head,
no rough fucking sex all over his bed.
No bruises, no blood, no STD’s.
No lying on me; making me look stupid,
No More putting him before my kids.

I should’ve stayed in my shell, not come out
now I feel like I’m nothing but dust, not a speck in the cloud.
What do I do, is it this way again?
Wondering how just in his life do I fit in.
This is what developed the Bitch,
16 years in a cell, I found it was my safe haven.

What was it really like on the inside?
Now that I am here, I have lost track;
back to being in the back on someone’s shelf.
However, I have sunk lower than that,
just allowing all the  “”bait-trap rap.”

No More bruises, no more fights,
I have to finally succeed, to be able to sleep peacefully at night.
I cry like a banshee when I think of what I’ve lost…
in a few weeks will be another one;
another year without my son.

Where had the years gone? What have I accomplished?

Not much, just looking to enjoy some dick.
I’ve missed out on so much, is it really worth it?
Looking like a fool, just to get his attention.
Sure I long for him more than he can imagine,
caress me, stroke me, PLEASE make me feel like YOUR woman.

Damn, here I go again, longing for your fucking ATTENTION.
Always trying to fit in somehow,
in the end, feeling low.
Is this what it will be for me now?

Heck, you know what they say about the fucking bitch, Karma.
I’m glad somehow you are in my life,
just don’t forget me, that is all that I ask,
maybe one day, we’ll look back on this and will be happy that we had each other.

 

 

 

Facing the Truth

I finally accepted what had been nagging my nerves (aside from my back and knee pains), my therapist has left me. She’s one of many that I’ve gone through throughout my therapy journey…this is why I HATE therapy. It never fails that whenever I hold back my inner most pains, traumas, and turmoil while I’m under treatment, no-one seems to have found better prospects elsewhere. No sooner do I speak about the worst pain of my life, a few months down the road I get “the speech,”

I hate to tell you this, but I’d rather tell you in person…I’m leaving this office to work ___________. It’s a better position. I can set you up with another therapist, if you’d like.

What I’d like is to STOP feeling like I’m not progressing when it comes to my horrific pain, which is the #1 cause of my depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation because everytime I get a new therapist I have to start from the beginning so that they can get to “know/understand” me.

I already grew up with commitment and abandonment issues as a child and now as an adult. This is another reason I have problems allowing people in my life!

I’m really pissed that it always seems like once I let my guard down, these motherfucking professionals flat-leave me!🤬 By all means, I’m not saying they shouldn’t want better for their lives, but when the fuck will mine? I, yet again, feel shunned because of my brutal truth. As if I already didn’t feel horrible about it. Now I really feel like 💩(minus the stupid smiley face).

A new therapist; that was recommended by this last one, called me the other day and left a voicemail. I give up. I’m NOT doing it to myself. I’ll live with my depression BY MYSELF! Helllllllll, at least I can’t flat-leave myself, although there are plenty of days that I wish that I could.

Therapy is a fucking joke for me.

I can NEVER get past a certain pain with the helping professional that I’ve been working on for almost 30 years…seriously. I just keep getting switched off to others.

Let’s face it, NO-ONE wants to help me.

My Painful Woe

My life in shambles

My back is killing and I don’t know why. I mean I know because of the accident, but not why as far as today. I just want my pain-free life back (pun intended). It’s not easy being around people when I am in pain. My attitude goes from 0 to 1,000 in 0.2 seconds. I don’t want anyone speaking with me and I don’t want anyone to see my pain. It’s not easy knowing that my back isn’t getting any better, my knees either.

I am tired of getting older. I missed/wasted all of my younger years chasing behind useless assholes. Yet, today these assholes are living better lives than I am. I am 50 and am STILL trying to establish my life. What type of shit is that? Throughout all the years, I am not the full naive chick that I used to be…Now I’m full-fledged BITCHY–something I should’ve been all along.

I hate the way things have turned out for me. I feel like I never really had a chance. I’ve grown up from one institution to the next. Being around people who weren’t shit. Not worth my time or my thoughts–nor worth my tears or angry spurts.

This is why I now stay a recluse.

I’d rather be alone than with assholes.

I Sit Here Happy to be Myself

Because even in the darkness, something beautiful is formed.

I sit here happy to be myself. I sit here keeping out of the BS.

I hate that these bitches have no work ethic or etiquette.

Things were more than fine before they came along.

There was unity and peace–surely no fucking chaos.

I don’t give a shit about any of you–

You’d rather be stupid and stare at your phones all day long.

I don’t give a shit what you do as long as it doesn’t impact me negatively.

I am me, just me alone.

You can keep your faces in ya damn phones.

I am doing my book…just me, myself, and I.

I am tired of all the BS, the runaround and lies from your tongue.

I shouldn’t care, the space was quiet before you arrived.

No drama, rumors, or lies.

It was peaceful until your wrongs and faults.

No real person give a damn.

I don’t want your drama in my space.

Being Myself

Often I wonder,

Who the fuck am I?

I try to grasp that each day, but it’s still a struggle. I want to be independent, yet bre able to rely on others. I want to be around others and then I’d rather be alone. I want to be serious, then I’d rather be a clown.

I can’t find an even balance and it bothers me. I’m a horrifying hypocrite!

I can’t find my balance and that annoys me.

Why Can’t He Just Listen?

I am trying to be real about what I do, but I am so lost about how I am doing things. I have gotten involved with someone and although I enjoy their company most times, it is not what they wish for it to me from me. I thought I was very clear when I met the person that I wasn’t looking for a commitment; just a fuck buddy. We both agreed.

He’s married, I’m single and this is a fucking affair, pun intended.

I have been drifting further away from him because he used the l—- word, several times in the past two weeks. I have told him to stop since I can’t reciprocate it. He’s a cool person to hang with. We smoke a little bud, drink a little alcohol, fuck when we can; however, I am not looking for anything as a “couple” from him.

Lately, I have been looking into moving and he blatantly has incorporated himself into my living space uninvited as if he will be living there. His feelings are going to be truly hurt biiiiiiigggg time because I have no intention of having anyone live with me.

I have never lived on my own (had my own place) and I plan on enjoying this newfound freedom of not having anyone in my personal space if I don’t want them to. This man has no intention of being honest with his wife about me, so I don’t intend on being a mistress all my life.

This was the purpose of my desire to be in a polygamous relationship. I wouldn’t have to sneak around, being someone’s mistress. No lies, drama, or unexpected bs. Yet, because my ass had a 3 1/2 year itch in my pussy, I gave into this dude. He sure as hell wasn’t the first dude to want to get in my pants; and there have been a few that I have shot down. He isn’t a looker, but his personality is so sweet. That is why I think I fell for the position of spreading my legs for him. But, as of late, I have told him that I feel he is coming on a bit too strong, more than I want him to, despite our initial conversation about what was expected with our fling.

Feelings always have a way of popping up and I hate that this man believes he has feelings for me. I have stopped texting/video chatting with him as often as I used to as a measure to de-escalate the situation; if it ever could. The sad thing is that I am usually the person that blurts out that I have feelings for someone. It feels weird now that it is happening the other way around.

My main goal is to focus on what I need to do for myself to be free and happy. I live in an environment where I have to move out and so far I am on the right path. I am not sacrificing that for no one! Every time I make plans to do better for myself, I fuck up and include someone else in it, and then I am back to square fucking one again. Not this time. I am actually staying focused on my goal. I have money saved up; never did that before. I am happier without trying to have a relationship with someone; at least one I thought would be long term (which it never does).

All I wanted was to have a quickie; not a history.

It was more fun when he just left things the way they were; without feelings. Now, I have to back up from my presence with him to avoid unnecessary drama and bs from him or his wife.

What makes it worse is that he even got a room that he rents; I guess to have as his love nest, but I am not putting myself in that place. Chances are since that he told me he shared information about renting a room with his wife; although he swears she would never go to it, she would mysteriously pop up one day especially if and when I may or may not be naked while over there. I have never fought any woman over a man and I have no intention of doing so; especially since I have no plans on being in a long term or true relationship with that man.

With the ever-spinning world of sex toys, I really don’t need to be with this man. That is exactly why I am cutting my time off with this man. For the past week every time he has asked me to spend time with him, I have declined. Limited phone conversation is good enough and even then I do my best to lead the conversation to avoid his declarations of love or meeting up for a sexual tryst. I didn’t intend for it to be as many weeks as it has been now; a month. It’s only a fucking month!

I really wish that he would’ve not caught feelings and would’ve just listened to our plans of not having any feelings involved.

It Is What It Is…

It is what it is when it comes to how my life plays out. The more I say I’m not going to do something, the more it’s maneuvered into me doing it. The sad thing is I can’t fault anyone for it.

I can’t get into specifics on what I am talking about… wait! Who the fuck am I kidding? 😂🤣

It’s my blog, so I can say what I want.

I know I’ve mentioned my ever revolving role as a mistress throughout my life (it’s as if I have a “Mistress Magnet” attached to my forehead or pussy because I can’t seem to get anyone SINGLE to be interested in me.

The man I connected with these past few weeks; after my 3 years of celibacy, has been married for 25 years and yet he “claims” how much he wants me. I finally told him yesterday how I feel disappointed with how I’ve gotten involved with him. The secret meetings and the way he needs me to be quiet (like how you do when the Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on your door) when his wife calls/video chats him.

There was one time during our fuck session his phone rang, yeeeeees–it was her, and he stopped to answer it because they have a “I’ll drop everything to answer your call,” policy. 😳

My goal in life once I realized my wants, needs, and desires was geared for the polygamous lifestyle. I thought I had it until I was fooled by 2 different scenarios I presumed were real; hence my 3 year celibacy. 😩

I enjoy the sex, when we’re not interrupted. I just hate that I got wrapped up in another “Lieship,” and I have finally learned to not get my feelings involved. For what? It’s not like it’s a “real” relationship.

Once he starts talking like we’re a couple, I shoot that shit down…We’re just fuck buddies. You’ve got a whole wife at home.And that’s why my lieship, is what it is.

I’m Not Sure

I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore, I have a plan, but I’m not following a plan. I know it doesn’t make sense. Somehow because of this plan, I am doing much better with my life than I ever have before.

I find it blissful, yet saddening at the same time.

I’ve met many people during the course of a year. Some I still speak with and some (to no surprise) I have not bothered to reconnect with because my bullshit detector won’t allow me to.

I may not be living where I want to be, but I’m doing better with my backup plan(ning) than I have ever before.

I was nominated for a recognition award and I’m honored (moved) that I have been. My struggle for the past 2 years has changed me and with that, I am accepting the new me that I am today. Granted, there are still a few kinks that need some fine tuning, but I am happier than I was last year this time.

So, do I know what is in store for me in the next few months? I’m not sure. I do know I’m achieving better goals than I have before…one day at a time.

Wanting

I want to love, but know it’s not possible for me;

Because once I do, everyone eventually leaves.

I envy the ones that are truly in love,

For me… that day just hasn’t come.

So, I succumb and just have affairs, fucking other’s men and women.

It seems that’s all I’ll ever be… someone’s slutty mistress.

I enjoy the thrill at first; the touches, secrecy, and lust.

But, I grow tired from not having my own relationship.

Always the side chick, never the main bitch…

When will it stop?

Will it ever?

My Upside

Today I feel like a new me,

Why? You may ask,

I finally got some fucking sleep!

I woke up without hearing others’ shit,

I didn’t have to ask them to be quiet.

I got to stretch and do some exercise,

I focused on my shoulders and my thighs.

I got a chance to refocus on my goals,

Knowing that I can share my blogs.

This may be a simple poem,

But, thank you for understanding my words.